my entries are pretty mundane...
most parts are accounts of the happenins in the day...
hmm... heh... hormonal change maybe...
i'm feeling strangely introspective tonight...

i think... my relationship with nel is fraught with the most difficulties...
in a short span of nine months...
i experienced the most conflictin emotions in my nineteen years of life...
for some parts... i did not know how to reconcile these emotions...
i am a very proud person... i loathe to cry...
however... i must say nel had seen me cry more than anyone could have...
and i don't simply weep... i bawl and i look hideous...
my mind is twisted with cynicism...
so much that tears are not a form of an outlet...
rather a display of weakness...
and the system in my head responds to this warped theory so readily...
i realize to my dismay...
gradually... i feel no pain...
it scares me a little...
i'm afraid no one would reach me anymore...
not even whom i love...

in the earlier part of last year...
my past relationship took a toil on me...
hmm... i needed alot of peace and quiet then...
i guessed... that was how nel and i became closer...
he confided in me one mornin...
i took note of the shattered look about him...
which reminded me uncannily of myself...
strangely... i found comfort in his presence...
i think to put matters cruelly...
perhaps we were together...
because we needed help to forget the past we desire to forget...
hmm... ben and nel are so alike in many ways...

i'm baffled by myself...
however... i feel sincerely apologetic to a certain someone...